Ban Knives!

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As I was slicing a rosy apple to go with my breakfast on Monday, May 16, the knife slipped and cut my left index finger. It bled, and I bandaged it, but that's not enough. I want to make sure no one gets hurt by knives ever again.  

We need a knife ban, because knives hurt people. 

Personally, knives are a trigger for me, and I never want to hear about them again. You will never know how difficult it is for me to write about this. I'm making a great sacrifice. So no more selling, buying, owning, or talking about knives. For the good of us all. They're just too dangerous. 

What will we use to cut food? Natural products such as porcupine barbs, swordfish swords, bear claws, shark teeth, and sharp fish fins, all gathered from long dead animals. It's sustainable and good for the environment. 

Also, since we will no longer have the need to forge knives, hot kilns will be cold forever. Kilns launch toxic hot air into our atmosphere and are partially responsible for global warming. Thus, this will slow down climate change exponentially! 

It's quite clear that we ought to do away with knives to help ourselves and protect the following generations. So turn in your kitchen knives, hunting knives, and war relics at the nearest American Knife Disposal stand, where the government will collect them and send them to NASA (with no help from Elon Musk because he's being selfish again), who will launch them into a black hole. 

And then, at last, America will be happy.

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